Prayer

I roll my eyes while simultaneously experiencing a sharp sinking feeling in my chest.

I think of my mother in pain holding back tears.

I think of my father in silence, thinking of all that went wrong, doubting his ability as a man and a father. Most importantly, he was doubting his ability as just a person. The basic life owed to every human, and he is unable to live it on most days.

Prayer

Angry and resistant, I tell myself that I am not getting involved.

An empty feeling, knowing that whoever this prayer was going to wouldn't help. And unfortunately, I was right. For a very long time.

Prayer

"You need a destination, you need presence, you need faith", I deduce the supposedly obvious.

It is an act of communication with spirit(s) present within you and/or amongst you

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Prayer

It is the colour candles recommended by my guide as a facilitator. It is the yellow, red, blue, green and white that each represent a spirit(s) and/or purpose.

It is the red towel I sit on during prayer.

It is the presence of comfort, love, and understanding from whom you speak to.

It is a channel. Open.

Prayer

It is my ancestors that finally convinced me of it. I received a response from them the very same night I prayed to them for the first time using my colour candles. Granted, I woke up choking, grasping for air, with a tight discomfort in my left abdomen because, at the time, I was missing a red candle that represents one of my ancestors and a purpose, but that is not all that happened. The dream I had, their response to my prayer, was a needed revelation - for me and my families. It gave me reason to have faith in my ancestors, their intention, myself, and fate.

Prayer

It is the Sepedi language that flows out of me when expressing my ancestors that live within me, knowing fully well that I do not know how to speak it. It is me remembering all the times my father used this language and looked as he was home and embodied all his manhood.

It is me remembering my mother, loudly and joyfully, speaking to her cousin in fluent Sesotho and I was thinking, "Wow! That is a side of my mom I wish I knew."

All these memories, lost time and effort to keep it all.

I lost so many physical reminders, but one that haunts me to this day is my photo album.

Full of pictures from when I was growing up in my childhood home with both my parents.

It is all this that causes me to need you and to easily and happily accommodate you.

You are a connection to my parents, my child and my ancestors, and all I have to do is find a quiet place that accepts my vulnerability in your presence, put flame to candles, sit on my red towel and speak to all of you.

Prayer

Such an easy enemy to create. I despised you for so long; yet when I remember my prayer session from last night, I exhale with satisfaction and the little healing I received from it. It carried me through the day as I went through some heavy moments and gave me space to be good to the people I care about. Again, and again, I shall open that channel.

Prayer

Despite all the praise and honest necessity you have become to me lately, I do not wish you had come earlier. I would not change what our relationship has been in the past. It was all meant to be and, according to me, I was not ready to change. In fact, I didn't want to change.

Prayer, as a sign of respect and gratitude in my Sepedi language to you,

Thobela. Rea lotja.

Prayer, in the same way I greet my ancestors and my deceased when entering into prayer...

In the same way I bring my prayers to a close...

I emphasize...

Thobela Ka Gae. Rea Lotja.